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“Hobbes!” I cry out, my voice echoing across the rain-drenched streets of Pittsburgh, PA. Tears form in the corners of my eyes, and the thunder beats a funeral march as I look down with dismay at a newspaper sheet blowing across the sidewalk. It is half-torn, but I can just make out the Post-Gazette’s Pirates Spring Training Report. “Where are you, my sweet son?” I plead, at a whisper. I suppose I am posing the question to myself, the question that haunts my days and nights, driving me to insanity – cold, sweating insanity. The more I turn it over in my mind, the less an answer reveals itself. Adam LaRoche ceases to amaze me. Even if he hits 25 home runs, he cannot rescue the Pittsburgh Pirates. A pitching rotation with less experience than embryonic cells, a middle infield with less power than the Iraqi government, and a leadoff hitter who walks less often than Stephen Hawking… that’s just a tiny sample of what Bucco fans have to look forward to this season. But Bucco fans are used to tiny samples. We use them at the outset of every season to boost our false hopes of breaking .500. Local and national baseball journalist hacks point to the Pirates’ 37-35 record in the second half of last season as an indicator of possible success this season. Look, a record that barely broke .500, in only half a season, indicates essentially nothing. Maybe if we had gone, let’s say, ten games over .500 in the second half, it would be worth considering. But this “37-35 in the second half” propaganda… it's meaningless. No, I can’t let myself be manipulated this season. I am going to expect the usual: a horrifying first half leading to an internal shuffle in management, a few “new ownership?!?!” rumors every other week, a bad trade patched together at the last minute before the deadline by GM Dave Littleyield, a 5th place finish in the division, and a great year statistically from Jason Bay. The Pirates roster is, as expected, devoid of legitimate Hobbeses.
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Where's Hobbes? |
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By: Calvin Pollack |
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The Allderdice Foreword An Award Wining Publication |